On not having a destination.
How soon after you wake up in the morning do you start thinking about all the things you need to do?
And how often do you judge your day by how much you’ve managed to tick off that to do list?
I’m not here to tell you to stop doing things. The world does need a fair amount of things being done to keep on turning.
But how much?
And how much do we prioritise doing over being?
What’s the cost of this?
I’m also not here to ask endless questions so enough of that.
We seem to measure value in action. How many times have I responded to the question of what I did at the weekend with a
“Not much, I was really lazy!”
When in fact what I was “doing” was investing in being; waking up without an alarm, reading in bed for a bit with a cup of tea, going for a walk in my local area and having the time to make a hearty lunch from scratch. Enjoying a glass of wine with a friend or my partner in the evening. Having a second day waking up without an alarm. Watching a film, reading some more, catching up with my parents on the phone.
These types of weekend, when I think about them now, feel slow and time is expansive. The slowness allows me to feel rooted in myself. I sleep well and feel lighter than when I rush from thing to thing or am chasing down tasks on my to do list.
Recently I decided to take some of this slowness into my working week. I no longer jump straight into the shower but make and enjoy a pot of tea before I do anything else. Yes, I am aware of the privileged position I’m in working from home most of the time.
I sometimes read during my lunch break. This is not revolutionary and here I am saying it as if it’s some kind of subversive culture. Yet I notice how hard it can be to allow myself to read when lots within me is saying “do something” which is code for “reading isn’t productive!”. Yet when I read, everything calms, I feel connected to myself and have that sense of there’s nowhere I need to be other than here, right now, in this moment.
This piece of writing has all sprouted from thoughts I have around folk feeling pressure to get things right and to get to a particular destination through all the things they’re doing. What if there is no destination; what if we stop trying to get somewhere and allow ourselves to be wherever we are in that moment?
Even having that thought can be terrifying. And that’s what stops us from letting go of the idea of needing to get somewhere and therefore doing so much all the time. If we’re not doing, not achieving, not getting somewhere what does that mean for our sense of value and worth? Further, what do we imagine others see or make of our value or worth?
I remember so clearly in therapy voicing “I’m not trying to get anywhere”. It was so freeing. All my life I had worked hard, invested in the idea that if you try hard enough and do enough, things will come. Whilst I wasn’t desperately unhappy, I was questioning what mattered most to me and wondering whether there was more to life than the endless pursuit of status, money and career progression.
This week I listened to an episode of The Edge of Coaching podcast. George Warren hosts and in this episode was in conversation with Clare Norman MCC. Clare speaks passionately about being over doing, specifically in a coaching context. She was quite clear about unlearning, as a coach, the need or habit to get somewhere within a session, of setting goals and actions as if there is somewhere to get to in every moment.
Instead, she suggests staying with, being alongside, deepening the conversation between herself and the person she is coaching as within that exploration may come, all on it’s own, the shift that allows change to occur.
It is a breath of fresh air to hear others promote the state of being.
I’m interested in working with folk who are starting to question doing over being. There is such richness to be found when we put the “there must be more to life than this” comment on the table to take a proper look at it. I’ve already worked with folk on this idea and seen them:
Feeling more energised
Sleeping better
Putting boundaries in
Saying no to things that deplete them
Relax – in how they communicate and in their body language. No more shoulders up around the ears and constant headaches!
We would perhaps all do well to check in with ourselves from time to time and ask if we’re trying to get somewhere, and whether this is serving us. If you end up feeling lost, this poem that found it’s way to me this week may offer some reassurance that lost is not all that it seems
